Some days I feel so lost. I wake up on a Thursday and wonder how I ever survived the whole week behind me. And then I wonder how I will survive the rest of the week ahead of me. Vin works Monday-Saturday and this makes for a LONG week.
Some nights before I lay my head down to sleep, I can’t stop the thoughts racing through my mind. Thoughts of doubt and dread. I think about how exhausted I am. Not necessarily the lacking sleep exhaustion, it’s emotional and physical exhaustion. I think about the thought of listening to demands all day long from two kids who don’t even understand the concept of appreciation. I think about all the clutter and the messes that I shuffle through all day living inside my home. I think about the fact that I face this alone most of the time. I think about the fact that I am 28 and I wake up each morning dreading the day and I think about the years I have ahead of me that I have left to set myself and my desires aside to fulfill a duty of motherhood and wifehood. I think about the guilt I feel because I’m not experiencing stay-at-home-mommy-bliss. I feel so defeated every day.
I’m so torn. I know this world is evil and there are so many false expectations placed on me all the time. I know I have a God who loves me and who’s strength and power is made perfect in my weakness. I know I have such a blessed life and so many things to feel grateful for…..
But I still feel the overwhelming plague of sadness, doubt, worry, dreadfulness, fear, and failure.
Life is never really easy for anyone. It’s a matter of the heart. I know my heart needs to be steered in the direction of Jesus, I know all to well I can’t find joy on my own, but that’s the hardest of all.
Trusting Jesus is the hardest of all.
7 Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings. 8 I cling to you;
your right hand upholds me.
I’m reading this new book by Joyce Meyer called “Battlefield of the mind”. So far it’s just pretty amazing and encouraging. This morning I was talkin’ to God asking Him,
“Why? Why is life so painful sometimes? I can’t take on any more pain, disappointment, hurt, nothing. I’m done. I am going into protection mode.”
I opened up to this chapter and this is what I read.
Positive minds produce positive lives.
Negative minds produce negative lives.
Positive thoughts are always full of faith and hope.
Negative thoughts are always full of fear and doubt.
Some people are afraid to hope because they have been hurt so much in life. They have had so many disappointments, they don’t think they can face the pain of another one. Therefore, they refuse to hope so they won’t be disappointed.
Proverbs 23:7 “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.”
Wow, Joyce. You put my heart into words.
Being hurt is extremely exhausting. It steals your hope. It steals your joy. When you’ve been hurt deeply time and time again you going into protection overload.
I’m in protection overload. I think negative thoughts and I dwell on how scared I am to be hurt again. I imagine my life will just be filled with hurt and disappointments and I close off to anything that could possibly hurt me. Usually when I do allow that glimmer of hope, I end up getting hurt.
This is why I ask…
“Why, God? I had hope and I still got hurt.”
I haven’t discovered the secret to having unconditional hope. I haven’t even figured out why God has allowed the pain I’ve had in my life to happen, and where I belong in the equation.
For now I am thankful this book has given me something to relate with and I pray God uses it to begin to heal my heart and give me the courage to hope again.
This morning I milked laying in bed under warm covers as long as I could. Isla woke up kinda early so I set her up next to me with a cartoon, some grapes and milk. I leaped back into my warm snuggly bed. I managed to stay in bed for another hour while Isla was content. After Co woke up I kinda decided it was a stay-in-your-pajamas-and-bake kinda day. I literally had a dream about a delicious chocolate chip scone and naturally I couldn’t really go on in life until I had one. I had to load up the girls into the car and make a quick trip to Trader Joe’s for a few ingredients. I prayed I wouldn’t run into anyone and I didn’t (Thanks, Lord).
Well, I made the best chocolate chip scones I have ever had. Seriously.good. I’ll be making them every day until I can’t stand the sight of them any longer :-)
A few pictures of our morning.
First things first.
This is a glimpse of our trip to the store. Sans baths and brush.
These days have been….well……crazy. I imagine my little “world” seems pretty great and perfect at times. I’ll give the internet all credit for that false sense of perfection. All seems perfect and right in the world when you read someone’s blog. Especially when they’re all
“Today I woke up literally bouncing out of bed at 6am. My cute babies woke me up and they were all smiles! A rainbow unicorn flew past my kitchen window as I was happily cleaning my dishes and drinking my perfect cup of coffee! I got showered and dressed by 8am and wore this outfit and my hair looked like this!! I didn’t have any laundry to do because I love it so much I stay up late at night to finish it! I took my kids to the park, the library, and then we did some home school (did I mention my spiritual gift is patience?) and I made them a perfect organic lunch with fruits and veggies from our garden and fresh eggs from our chickens! They ate every single bite! My kids LOVE to eat the great food I make them! Then they napped for 3 hours while I did yoga….” (this is a joke people, I hope you can have a little laugh)
I have people tell me my life seems ‘untouchable’ when I share with them honest struggles I live and go through every day. This kinda makes me sad. This reality is not reality. No one has a perfect life. It’s rare to read a blog that is raw and honest. I understand that! I’m not even close to as raw and honest as I’d like to be. I hate pretending. I hate being fake. I usually avoid blogging all together when times are at their worst. Notice my large gaps in blogs?
I wont come on here and barf all of my problems and hardships but I will be honest enough to say I’ve dealt with many. In every area in life. I’m waiting patiently as God walks me through some of the most difficult trials so that I can come out in the end and be someone who can love and help others who have gone or are going through hardships in their life. I believe God is the ultimate healer and He is lovingly taking me through some major healing.
On a different note, my little imperfect (but very cute) family had a little vacation to the Oregon Coast this past weekend. It’s always nice to get away from every day life and be in a fresh new environment. Thankfully the weather was on our side and we enjoyed the beach.
A little quiet time on the cute front porch of the beach house.
Isla is pretty much my shadow. Co wouldn’t come down to the beach so she’s not in the pics.
The pretty beach houses
Dad and Co coming to enjoy the wind free beach!
The sun breaking through. This was pretty amazing!
Loves of my life.
Can I brag about my sil Katy?? She is such an amazing woman. I adore her!
us in all our Oregon beach attire glory.
The sunset was kinda pretty….
The unicorn was too fast for me to capture! But this was my view as I did the dishes :-)
Dinner with Q and K
Not sure what is on my cheek but it kinda makes me want to have a “cheek mole”
Our morning cup-o-joe
I’m one of those fuddy duddy traditionalists. I have to get peppermint icecream and carmel corn when I visit the coast.
I am officially 28 years old. Yesterday was my birthday. It started out like any other day. I was texted and facebooked (made that one up) over 100 “happy Birthday” greetings, met my Mom and Grandma for breakfast, took Co to ballet and gelato, then ended the day with church. It wasn’t a bad day by any means. Just a good old regular day. It’s funny how your birthday can make you feel extra loved by the people in your life. It’s slightly overwhelming for me sometimes to accept gifts and greetings. I find it difficult to express my gratitude to those who shower me with love. I want to hug and squeeze them and cry my eyes out to them for being so kind to me. It’s a bit freaky so I don’t actually do it but I want to!
I missed my Dad a lot yesterday. I wondered what He and I would have done. He used to take me to lunch to the BBQ Pit, it was my most favorite place on earth, and give me $100 cash for shopping wherever I wanted. He wasn’t the worlds best father but He did love me and those times were special. He always made an effort on my birthday. It consumed me most of the morning, how much I missed his presence in my life but I soon reminded myself that He’s happy in heaven and one day I will be able to run into his arms again.
Wednesday night my besties and I (I have the worlds BEST friends, seriously. Be jealous) enjoyed LOTS of laughter, inappropriate sex talk, food, cocktails, jokes, good conversation and company up at the lovely Bridgeport Village. They spoiled me with gifts and sweet cards. I am one year younger than the 3 of them so it’s always fun to whine and complain about turning 28 when they’ve all recently turned 29. Muahahah!
My birthday evening I celebrated with our amazing church group PAX and Vin went ahead and brought a full Claim Jumper Red Velvet cake to serve to everyone. Nom Nom! And there goes that 5 lbs lost :-)
Here’s a few snap shots of our Bridgeport evening. I’m so lucky to have these ladies!
Oh yes. And I got 3 Aprons for my birthday! I went from none to 3. Awesome!