I don’ t have much free time to get much blogging done these days. Currently my house looks like a storm blew through, Isla wont stop crying, there is a very loud annoying commercial on TV followed with a Soap Opera that I’m definitely not watching, but I had to share these amazing moments of my darling 2 year old and her rocking outfit she dressed herself up in.
And for this amazingly handsome man. The man who strives to be better for me, and provides abundantly for his family. My husband and the father of my beautiful daughters. The one and only man in my life.
And who will always be silly no matter what his age!
Including diaper blowouts. Mom was worried the formula she gave me was binding me up, and she kept making comments about me not pooping enough when she would change my diaper, well… I decided I would ease her mind this time around.
Gas Schmas…. Isla’s been smiling for the past week or so and I finally caught her on camera! She’s a whopping 1 month old and I couldn’t be happier about it ;-) And she’s obviously pretty happy herself! And, someone’s gaining weight and she looks like quite the beautiful little chub chub. All that eating every 2 hours does a body good!
First of all, I want to thank everyone who responded to my last post. Those beautiful words were so incredibly encouraging to me. I can’t begin to describe how it feels to know I am not alone. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! What a blessing to hear such wise words from so many loving friends. Thank you thank you THANK YOU!
On another note, I have been praying a lot that God would reignite my heart. I need to start living again. I don’t know what I am waiting for. I think I feel guilty in all honesty. Something kinda clicked in my head this morning as Vin and I were cleaning through our house. We were talking about the plans we have for our next home. We were both agreeing that we want to get rid of pretty much everything and start completely fresh. This season in our life has been good, and everything we own has been a blessing, but we are ready for a step up. Vin was making comments about all our “decor” being cheap and I took it a little personal because I’m the one who decorates our house. When I starting thinking about it, I decided I wasn’t happy with our cheap decorations either but I settled for them because they were, well… cheap! I didn’t want to disapoint Vin if I bought something expensive. I feel too guilty if I spend money on anything high quality. I have decided I’m not going to live this way anymore. By that I don’t mean I wont buy anything unless it’s top notch, I mean I wont settle. I’m worthy of more than cheap. This was a good example for my life. I don’t need to settle for less when it comes to my happiness and my joy. I don’t need to carry guilt for the things that I love and want to have for myself. I want to start being me again and I want to show my daughters how important it is to do what you love no matter what! I know God will honor my choice to start living this way, because I know God has given me the desires I have in my heart. I don’t want to waste the person God made me, and I don’t want to live like someone I am not, in Christ. In Him I am worth so much and the desires of my heart are worthy too.
Today I will pray that God would lift the guilt I feel, and that He would begin to teach me to be who He made me. I’m going to find myself again and I’m going to love it.
Gosh, life sure has changed. I’ll admit I am having a little bit of a hard time adjusting. I feel like I am in a selfish mode right now. I miss my life before kids. Sounds horrible right!? I miss sleep, I miss my body, I miss my husband, my marriage, my freedom. I miss days sitting at Starbucks writing in my journal. I miss painting and reading. I miss my quiet time with The Lord. I miss being spontaneous. I miss solo trips to the beach. I miss friends and coffee chats. Believe it or not, I miss going to a job sometimes! (Not that this isn’t, I’m talking about a go to job) The list goes on. I feel stuck, at home, ugly, depressed, some days. I feel frumpy and unattractive. I’ve lost my passion for so many extra curricular things. I’ve lost my patience. I feel alone and frustrated. I feel unmotivated. I feel mean and bossy to my poor 2 year old baby doll. My poor little Co has taken such a back seat. I feel like the only words I speak to her are “No” and “Do you want a time-out!?” I feel sad that I am so exhausted. In NO way shape or form do I wish I never had kids. That is not it at all. My babies are my world and I would sacrifice anything for them. In a way I have sacrificed my life. My life is dedicated to caring for them. I am just having a really hard time adjusting to this and finding joy in it.
I feel lost.
I hope to find myself again someday soon. Very soon.
It’s a beautiful Sunday morning. Vin is at church on the worship team and the girls and I are hanging out at home. I’ve felt God’s presence this morning in my home. I feel Him teaching me and my family how to succeed in this life. So often I focus on my failures and my shortcomings, and I try so hard to fix myself. I hold ridiculously hard expectations on myself. I fail time and time again.
If you feel you are in a place of failure, or you feel shame, hurt, regret…. let it go, and walk with Jesus. He gave it all to give us freedom from our sin. He loves us so much.
The holy spirit is telling my heart to surrender and abandon my heart to Him. Through surrender we find victory and success. This song couldn’t be more beautiful and breath taking. Please enjoy it and the amazing lyrics.